Charuta - Life As I See It

The time Lady Luck stopped smiling …

2007-04-20T03:51:00.000-07:00

I had recently joined an organization & was in my initial days of training, or "warming up".

I had made friends with a colleague who traveled in the same train as mine. Even she had hardly any work load those days. So once we decided to leave “on time”, that is, at sharp 6. Though the official timing is 5:30 pm, majority of the people start leaving by 6:15 or so.

As planned, we packed our belongings, & dashed out at sharp 6 pm. The normal delay points are at getting the lift & the bus. However, that day was special. It was like we had the lift as well as the bus waiting just for us. We were quite pleased with ourselves. I even started making plans for some personal net surfing on reaching home early.

Wonder of wonders happened that we had a fast local train just arriving into the station as we entered the railway station. I got a great seat that allowed me some cool breeze. I was totally relaxed with a book in my hand. Another brownie point for my fate!

We smiled at our luck again. I guess we did that too soon.

In about 40 mins, the train reached Thane station. It would be another 20 mins or so for Dombivali station to arrive, where I was to get down. I was eager to step in my home & chill off the bonus time.

And then… as if someone had thought ill of me, the train halted in the tunnel in it way. It took a good 15 mins to start just to stop again ahead for some track work going on. By this time, the so called cool breeze had vanished & I had sweat trickling down my forehead that was wrinkled with worry & frustration lines already.

And as my dear Lord wished, it took a grand 40 mins for the train to reach its destination. The speed with which it traveled made me believe I could have reached earlier by walking. :(

I learnt a good lesson that day…not to count your blessings too soon…Lady Luck hears you & decides that you had had enough…

After this incidence, I have encountered this twist of fate many times wherein the lift, bus & the train all cooperate but the bus from the station to my home does not. I guess you cannot have it all on one day.

But being the optimist that I am, I wait for the day all these join together like a perfect jigsaw puzzle & I reach home in the stipulated 2 hrs.

You Complete Me

2007-03-03T06:19:00.000-08:00

Your one smile…
& my tired mind is brightened up

Your one pat on my back…
& I know everything will be all right

Your one look of appreciation…
& I walk with the confidence of a beauty queen

Your one call saying u need to see me,…
& nothing else in the world feels any more important

Your one look of anxiety…
& I am not sure if it is so important for me to take it up

Your one good morning call…
& the morning indeed becomes good

You make me laugh
no matter how terrible I’m feeling

You make go angry over you,
so much that I wanna kill u

You make me do crazy things
& bring out the kid in me

I feel like a complete woman
when I make love to you

I know what being a mother is like,
when I scold you

Thanks for being in my life
& making it seem more beautiful
than it was ever possible.

Pawoos2

2007-02-22T21:52:00.001-08:00

Pls click on the post for better reading: it is a JPEG image

Pawoos1

2007-02-22T21:48:00.000-08:00

Pls click on the post for better reading: it is a JPEG image

Trek

2007-02-22T21:42:00.000-08:00

(click on post for better reading: post is a JPEG image)

Reasons I Hate You

2006-12-21T21:02:00.000-08:00

Am crazily in love with u for the past couple of days: nothing new!!!

Though I must admit I was disappointed on Valentine's Day when you took almost half an hour to point out 10 reasons why u love me. I am sure I can do much better.

I was planning to write down the typical “101 reason why I love you” kinds stuff for u. but then I thought, “hey, why not hate him once for a change on this lovey-dovey day?”

Whacko me, as usual.

Ok then. I hate these things in u:

1. You keep cracking those PJs of urs when I m like terrrriiibllyyyyy angry. You just piss me off more & bring me to wits end.

(well, I do love you for not joining me in my mood & eventually starting a fight!)

2. You are always on time in spite of knowing the fact that I’ll never be crowned “miss punctual”.

(I love to rush to the meeting spot to see you waiting for me rather than reaching there & not finding you)

3. You are sooo damned suspicious of any guy found in 10 ft diameter of an invisible circle around me. One name repeated twice in a day & I have to face a bombardment of questions. & that oh-so-typical line of urs : “I trust u, but I do not trust the other guys”. Relaaax.

(I do enjoy this attention & possessiveness; albeit just reduce it a bit)

4. You make me walk from the insides of the road. Why do you have to be the knight on the road? As if I have not handled myself well in the traffic all my life!!!!

(Well, I do admit my habit to stray in the middle of the road when lost in talk & understand your concern. Besides, it’s a relief no to worry about the oncoming traffic & the “unintentional” touches of the road Romeos.)

5. Ok now. Once n a while let me be real angry on u for a long time & let me scream & shout at you. Every time u start up this “1,2,3...” count of yours & I break up into a silly grin! RESPECT MY ANGER!!!

(Well, that is the very first reason I fell in love with you, didn’t I?)

6. Stop thinking on my behalf & jumping to conclusions. I have my tiny brain that is quite functional, whether you believe it or not. “I m sure you are thinking about this, I am sure you don’t like this”...& so on. Now, now. Don’t tire your brains so much. Allow me to voice my opinion too.

(Its actually funny the way you think about my thought process, my opinions. Gives a good insight into your perceptions about me as a person. But I repeat...relax.)

ummmm...I was all set to jot down 10 hate u pointers. But, I really can’t think ahead of this.

Do remind me of this list during our next fight.

Till then,

Hate u with all my love,

Your bachcha.

Love conquers all

2006-09-27T02:48:00.000-07:00

It had been real long time that I gave any space for any wild random thoughts to drift in the vacuum of my brain.

Today, as I was checking my mail on home PC, I turned on my gazal collection.
Frankly, I have some typical favorites in that huge collection that I play regularly. Apart from the reason of time, not understanding Urdu well is another valid reason for not listening to the entire collection often.

Neways, I stopped mid tracks as I listened to “Chak Jigar Se…”

I have a friend who is going through some real testing times.
He has recently left his well to do family, taken up a small room on rent, is struggling with his business…all for his love.

This may be one of those regular love stories… boy striving through tough times for his girl.
But then I have seen up close and front his fate after his decision.

It takes a lot more than those rosy dreams and those soft whispers of promises to take up life upfront for your love.

He left his home with hardly any cash on himself.
He has been putting off his hunger pangs by managing on a vada pav or two. Those two shirts can be seen every alternate day.

He is striving to earn enough to pay off his rent, the bike has already been kept aside...it is all walking for almost 40 mins to the office.

Initially, everybody wondered if he could pull himself through all this.
Trust me, he has.
For the first time, I saw the power of love at work.

I was plain jealous of the girl for whom he managed to take up this test of fate.
She loves him equally and has supported him completely through this. She saves up some pennies to work up for the rent, sees to it that he has a meal whenever they meet.

Looking at them holding hands, I just know deep inside my heart that they will make it.

They just would.

God cannot even dare think otherwise.

They have won it all…they are together even on the thorny roads.

Now it is His turn to bring out the gardens for them.

The Magic of Rains!!!

2006-06-27T02:49:00.000-07:00

I call it the Magic of Rains!!!

For the rest of 8 months, my favorite pen and the journal book are safely tucked inside the cupboard. Its not that those "momentary inspirations"(?) to sit down with a pen and a paper to jot down a few thoughts don't strike me like lightning. But somehow, I just let those urges pass by.

The day the rains start pouring down, all my practical senses vanish like poof!!!

I am just forced by some magical forces to sit down all relaxed, in my window, and stare across the pouring rains.

The vast greenery spread outside it is such a soothing sight. It relaxes me in a way nothing else can.

Its not just the pouring rains but also the "accessories" that come along. The hot, oily snacks like pakodas, bhajiyas, hot piping tea, accompanied by slow, romantic ballads make the perfect setting.

I repeat myself...it is the Magic of Rains!!!

The Pen

2006-06-27T02:45:00.000-07:00

It has been real long time that I actually wrote anything personal, or typed anything, to be precise.

Nothing called writer’s block or whatever.

Pure laziness.

Had quite a few ideas rolling there in the grey cells.
Till now, I had all the so called “genuine” excuses up my sleeve: “not the right mood”, “the rains haven’t come in”, and the best of all…”I don’t have my favorite pen with me!”

The last one was quite a fact.

I had lent that pen a long time ago to a friend of mine for a while (an hour). He’s still returning it back to me. He claims that the pen has proved ‘lucky’ for him, and it would be "mighty cruel" of me to ask it back from him.

Filmy. Very filmy.

He is certainly not interested in gathering the fact that the pen is my favorite, the one with which I started my writing. It is something that I look around every time the writing bug hits me.

Neways, as I understood that I was not to get it back, I started my search in the market for a similar one.

Trust me, it took me two whole months to get it.

The shopkeepers showed me all types, from gel pens to the Chinese stuff.
But not what I wanted.

It was not a very special pen, so to say. But it was certainly not easily available.

Also my description “it is a grey pen with a blue stripe or a dot on it…ummm..its is not exactly blue but a greyish blue! (Smart me!). Not a gel pen, a pilot one.”
Looked like it didn’t help much to search it from a maze of pens.

My despair grew. The rains were fast approaching.
Also there were those amazing mornings, those beautiful (everyday) moments with my family, friends, etc.

And finally I got it!

I was casually browsing in a stationary shop for a notebook one evening as I waited for my friend. (Ah, I hate him so! Makes me wait, always).

It as then that I noticed MY PEN!

Trust me, I mentioned this discovery to almost all my friends over the next few days. “Hmmm, so the talking lady can be expected to be quiet for some time, as she writes?” commented a smart Alec.

Well, the pen still lies in my purse, just the way as it was bought.

As I said, pure laziness. ;)

I need to connect !!!

2006-03-28T20:07:00.000-08:00

It happened one day:

Scene 1:
I was not sure that my prepaid cell plan was the best for me. Hence i went to cellular service provider's gallery to know what other plans they had, including billing. I had my boyfriend along with me. As I saw the monthly rental of the lowest billing scheme, I said to him: "I don't call that many people neither do many call me. The only two people I communicate with are my mom & you. I guess I should carry on with my current plan. I don't need to upgrade!"
He just shrugged his shoulders in agreement & we left the gallery.

Scene 2:
As we were en route to a restaurant for lunch, I had a real good fight with my boyfriend over something silly. We started with our lunch in huff puff silence. In frustration, he said something stupid like: "These fights are turning to be stressful & unless we act on them, they will char our relation to the extent that you might walk away...the way I know you. I would then have a very a short life, if it was without you!". The moment he said this, my eyes brimmed with tears. Forget living without him, I cannot even dare to think of such a situation! I realized my life was so very focused on him, dependent on him! It took him a hell number of his stupid PJs & sorrys to bring me back to normal, albeit with puffed eyes & red nose! :)

Scene 3:
after lunch we headed towards his office as he had to mail something urgent. As there was no electricty, we were doing some TP with his office friends in his office, waiting for the currents to flow. I was in the middle of a conversation, when i got a message from my close friend saying she had lost her brother last week. I was very shocked. i immediately called her up & told her I would be there. Everyone around started asking me questions about her brother. I could not answer them sufficiently well as I did know her family well. I was embarrassed to admit to my guy that though I treasured her as a close friend, communication from my side was truly pathetic...almost once month. I could not call her a close friend exactly but she has been special for me as we connect really well.

Scene 4:
i was on my way to my friend's house for offering my condolences & to try to understand how things had happened so suddenly. I set thinking of all the people whom I was not in communication with. There were a couple of people whom I shared some good bonds with. Earlier I used to call them up regularly every week, or almost everyday to some & get frequent calls from them too. After the 26/7 deluge, I got somehow mentally stressed & lazy & did not call anyone often. I called up my boyfriend to discuss this. I confessed that my whole life in recent months had been focused on him & my mom. This was good though not very healthy. These were people who had given me emotional support through my troublesome times & were there when I wanted them to be. i did not bother to know what was happening to others. This was precisely why I was shocked to know that one of my close friends had left her job of teaching & was home due to some tension. I had no idea as what was happening with others: what jobs were they in, their marriage plans, new shopping, any other happenings in their lives...I was absolutely clueless. I then decided: I am gonna get myself a billing plan & call these people often...no matter if only for a Hi.

Next time I want to be there when my friend needs me!!!

I need to connect...do you???

Paradise World

2006-03-15T07:39:00.000-08:00

On Holi day's afternoon :

watched a beautiful program on national geographic about the bird of paradise. This bird is so colorful & beautiful...its like watching some human-made graphic animation! The commentator talked about the females going over the board while choosing the male for mating. Darwin had expressed anxiety over this trend in these birds. The male bird of paradise does not take any "family responsibility". all he does is copulating for eggs & then flying away. No wonder the females are choosy as they are the ones who have to bring up the little ones.

a male bird was being watched over by the NG photographer. to attract the female, the male bird cleared his dance area. He cleared it so spic and span that there was not a single little leaf lying around. He also went to the lengths of cutting away the leaves of the surrounding plants if they obstructed the light shining down on his dance area. The male bird supposedly takes care of his dance area for about 5 months or so. He had a colorful, many layered body. His feathers were beautiful & exotic to look at. His tail was like two little curved threads.

i tried searching for the exact image the way the bird was. I did not get it on net, not even on national geographic. However, I got to see many colorful variations of the same species. The male bird shown on the program was something like this, though more colorful:

It was all very fascinating to watch. For long, no female responded to the male bird's calling. After long, his luck answered & a female flew down. The male performed beautiful dance in the form of artistically spreading his wings & mane hair.

The photographer thanked the tribals for introducing him to their sacred rain forests. He also expressed a fear of commercialization as a threat to the now existing beauty of the jungles.

Later in the afternoon, i was again browsing channels idly. I happened to watch a thrilling scene again on National Geographic. There was this NG fella bungee jumping from threatening heights. an eagle was released from the plane along with him. The eagle soared downwards alongside the guy. This fella had a small pouch containing meat that the eagle managed to swoop down on at the last minute. it was a breathtaking scene to see the fine balance & speed of the eagle. The shot was then shown in multiple angels & in slow speed.

The program also showed glimpses of these speed performances in various other animals such as the snake, the cheetah, chameleon etc. the host concluded the show by rightly saying "these animals use speed for their survival!"

Only if we venture a little ahead to these nature channels, ahead of the regular soaps & Hindi movies...we get to watch a completely new world that exists on the same planet as ours but miles away.

These are the times when you know television is a boom!!!

For a good laugh

2006-02-15T19:46:00.000-08:00

After along time, i laughed out aloud like crazy...that too, in my office!
I happened to visit Vinod Ganesh's blog.
The guy is way too good!

Even my colleagues were in splits ends!!!

Do visit the blog that's hilarious as hell & is rocking!

Smells of life...

2006-02-09T20:24:00.000-08:00

I fill myself with the smells of...

freshly cooked rice

baby talc on my niece’s skin

“mogra” at the gajre-wali, as i walk out bone tired fro the railway station

shampoo in the hair on a lazy yet fresh Sunday morning

wet earth after the first rain

perfume as i deck up for a special evening

batata wada at the railway canteen in evenings

new stationary

My Literary Life

2006-02-07T00:10:00.000-08:00

“I write!”

This is what I reply when questioned about my hobbies, as one of the activities of interest.

Reactions vary from raised eyebrows (very common), to mouth opened agape (very theatrical, methinks) to an occasional “Ah! Do you?” sorts. These reactions render me to go on guard for any out-of-nowhere kinds of second-category-questions (delivered in a tone that says “isn’t it obvious?”). “So, where’s your Booker / Noble?” is one of those real sarcastic ones.

Now quite habitual to these supposed jokes, I take in my stride when I coolly sign off the conversation with “Oh, I’m just one of those who prefer not to go print”.

A more humorous reaction was when a friend of mine from long past times dropped in at my place to say hi to a surprised (& happy) me. Over tea, after the whats-on-in-your-life catch up, the conversation steered over to more docile topics about daily routines. On the always-there topic of interests cultivated, I was careful to put on a careless statement like “I write occasionally” (with shrugged shoulders to support my no-big-deal about attitude).

What I witnessed was an amazing exhibition of eyeballs swinging from the writing table to me & back to the table, in a successive manner for a trillion times. I thought it all to be too funny to even laugh at, my friend resembling a Wimbledon spectator. The molars that were busy exercising his molars into sandwiches, suddenly stopped.

“Really?” is all that he managed to ask.

And just that was enough to flare me up. “Do you expect some Arundhati Roy or V. Naipaul stuff to pop out from the book shelf? For Christ’s’ sake, I just do some casual writing, nothing that ever find its way to a publication house, I assure you. And for that matter, its such a personal hobby that I shouldn’t be taking up any of this ‘eyes-popped-out’ kind of crap”.

Realizing he had hit a raw nerve, he apologized profusely and skillfully steered the now-cooled-me to other not-so-personal issues of life.

Later that day, I bemused while recollecting the incident. Why is it that writing is not to be expected from someone you know but rather some well-known name, or an established persona, who can never bump against you in everyday life? Do I smell insecurity here or is it plain surprise to find out that someone we know so well is into a field so reserved for the elite few? More often, it is a critic attitude towards a friends work, as if to check whether the written material is all ready or rather worth the literary world. Maybe it is astonishing enough to realize that your friend can also “think”.

Whatever it is, the reactions are quite incredulous kinds. I now deter to even mention my interest or to take out my note book or pen at places, to jot down a few lines. I silently jot down stuff & key it up on my PC on my weekends.

To think of it, who knows if one fine day, friends might see a Booker on the table… ;-)

Lazy me :(

2006-01-30T09:46:00.000-08:00

“Your last post dates November 12, 2005. How about changing that to January 21, 2006?”: comment on my blogspot.

“You mean, you have not even used the diary I gifted you for writing? It is meant for 2006 & not 2007!”: my friend.

"You have THE place to write. Your home is so cozy, the place around so scenic & quiet. It makes me write a poem or an article every time I come here”: my friend, as she hands over her freshly written beautiful poem.

“You lost the pen I gifted you for writing in the floods & you remember it NOW? You have not thought of writing for the past 6 months?” : my guy.

OK. OK. OK. I get the point.
I have seriously not jotted down anything for a long time. There certainly have been a couple of times when I wanted to come out of my blues by writing about issues.
Seriously, writing has been like a daily goal for me to achieve since the past couple of months.

Lazy. Lazy. Lazy.

Not entirely my mistake, though. The moment I plan to hit the keyboard at home, my eyes catch the “khel” folder on my home PC & minutes later I am racing like crazy.
A notepad & a pan...& its OC on Zee Café that I have to catch up with. Not my fault.
Even star movies plays some good stuff.

Ooof, the temptations.

Its like, I am home alone, all set in a mood to write & then I suddenly think of things to talk with my boyfriend. I pick up the phone & go yapping for the next one hour or so. By then, the notepad & the pen are in other corner of the room.

I recently call up my boyfriend to say “You know what, I earlier wrote to clear out my thoughts & think better out of my problems. Now, I talk them out to you. So essentially, my writing has been reduced & my talking has increased. Thanks & no thanks!!!”

I am home today due to bad health, trying to catch up on some sleep. I then notice the pen & pad. Good going, Charu ...

Weekend

2006-01-30T01:17:00.000-08:00

The reason that I am sitting in front of this dumb dabba is because I went into a cleaning spree since morning, the computer was all neat and tidy, all the “important” papers lying around were duly sorted…. and it just looked too inviting.

Okay, still a few days for the rains to come.

Till then I’m sure I’ll be all set with my pen and writing pad.

Till then, I muse around with the description of my amazing days…everyday.

Like today, when I woke a bit late, welcomed a close friend to my home, went out with her in the garden to clean up the dried grass & cut down the extra growth. We worked in the garden like crazy till it was stomach-rumbling time. Then had a relaxing bath, followed by amazing food cooked by ma, worked up on the comp for some office work while watching Richard Gere’s “First Knight” (I LOOOOVE HIM), made tea for everybody by evening, watered the plants in the garden, saw my friend off till the bus stop, got some parlor work done on myself, played with the kids on my way back home, was welcomed by more guests at my place, had some great time with them, had a calm evening walk with mom in the campus, came home a bit tired, am typing nonsense stuff on the machine, plan to have a light dinner and sleep off.

There is hardly anything exciting about this routine…but special are those moments when I water those plants, when I chase around those mischievous kids, when I sleep with my head in my mom’s lap, when my friend brings a real large Cadbury for me, when I watch those beautiful cloud patterns along with my friend, when the evening walk is so calming…worth the week’s hectic schedule!!!

It is just my way of looking at things, I guess.

Who cares!!!

Beauty Redefined

2006-01-30T01:12:00.000-08:00

Saw Shallow Hal the other night. Lost sleep for a long time after that -- an amazing concept for sure. Inadvertently started wondering about myself, as how would I look if one were to see just the inner beauty in me. Also, what about the people around me? Are they as good from within as they claim? Some food for thought that.

There had been plenty of instances when I felt like shouting over the rooftops to tell the world that my not-so-good-looking friends were real treasures, gems at heart.

A close friend of mine is such a darling at heart. She's a true studious, sincere, simple and sincere person. She's well educated and got a good job as a professor at a college. We make it a point to meet up once in month and spend the evening together. I run to our meeting place from my meetings, dressed up smartly in my formals, face made-up n all. She on the other hand hardly gives a thought to looking good. Not as speckle of make-up, dressed plain yet smart... We look an odd pair when we move together. But it is then that I realize that below all these upward appearances, we both understand each other well as friends and connect as nobody else can. She has been around as a friend for long, in times when I needed her most, holding my hand, listening to me crib and complain, soothing my problems out (she believes I don't have any!!!). It is these qualities in her that make her a special friend, not her appearances.

There were a few girls in my college class who were breathtakingly beautiful. I always wondered as how they could look so stunning every single moment of their life. One day, I actually spoke it out to one of the beauties. "Isn't it boring to be good-looking all the time? I mean, people take it for granted that you look good always. Compliments must be a boring thing!" As she looked at me with those raised eyebrows look, I explained, "Look, it is one of those special times when we dress up real good, festivals, b'days, etc. Family and friends come over to tell you that you look awesome. These times and the compliments and the words are treasured. With your kind of looks, it must not amount to a big deal!!!” I was expecting her to get all flared up. Instead she sighed and said, "It does occur to sometimes but then can't really help it. Can I? I make friends easily; they come across well due to my looks, not by what I am as a person..."

That was some insight!!!

Creativity

2005-11-11T20:13:00.000-08:00

Draw a crazy picture
Write a nutty poem
Sing a mumble-gumble song
Whistle through your comb
Do a loony-goony dance
'Cross the kitchen floor
Put something silly in the world
That ain't been there before.

~ Shel Silverstien

My Favorites

2005-08-11T01:45:00.000-07:00

watching the candle burn…

the ‘cutting’ chai at a road side stall on an early morning…

an unexpected phone call from a friend saying she misses me…

a peck on the cheek by my beloved…

a plate of hot steaming “chole” at marine lines…

a tight hug from my darling niece…

holding hands with him…

a good night’s sleep besides by my grandma…

a jagjit singh gazal…

the pitter-patter of raindrops…

the morning dew…

the splash of colours at sunset

ma’s lecture for not taking care of my health…

late night talks on the phone with a close friend…

writing down my favorite things in life in a candlelight…

talking, laughing, having fun…

walking through the woods…

listening to music, anytime, anywhere…

gazing out of a train window…

cooking a surprise meal for ma…

watching the last of raindrops fall from the leaves after the rain stops…

the “kala-katha” ice gola in summer…

the pickles in winters…

the bad patches in life…
…and the better ones that soon follow…

the mornings when I move around with a dance in my steps…

“friends” on zee English…

a cute puppy…

licking off the tip of an ice-cream…

window-shopping with no money in pockets…

a heart-to-heart talk with ma…

a good pillow fight with didi…

missing dad…

hearing about our childhood from parents…

getting nostalgic about the good-old college days…

a ride with him on the bike…

a spicy pani-puri, followed by a sadha puri…

sleeping on my ma’s lap, and feeling her fingers move through my hair…

a plant nursery…

the view from a mountain top after a treacherous climb…

a family get-together at a function…

satin ribbons…

sitting quietly in a temple, watching people pray…

the smell of new stationary…

éclairs…

a full-moon night…

a quick afternoon nap…

a dinner with close family friends…

a blind date…

a strong filter coffee…

steaming dal-rice served by ma…

sunflowers…

a slow train...

a five star Cadbury…

“Tom & Jerry” on cartoon network…

a heavy breakfast…

amazing wallpapers for my computer…

cooking up fairy tales and stories of Krishna for my niece…
watching her frightened face as the demon arrives…

watering the garden early morning…

a peacock’s feather…

a home-made sandwich with a tasty ”pudina” chutney…

a rosebud in the garden…

watching him when he’s asleep…

krishna’s temple in pandharpur…

dancing in the rain…

long journeys in the state transport buses…

a late night action thriller…

a sudden, out-of-nowhere kiss from him, interrupting my nonstop chatter…

writing long, heartfelt letters to dear ones…

baby pink colour…

a good book…

my journal and my pen…

pot-painting…

painting a house…

running my fingers through his hair…

watching the fish swim…

a rainbow…

a splash of colours…

the smell of carbon as I blow off the candle…
.
.
.
life…

Natural Healing

2005-07-01T20:04:00.000-07:00

I write this sitting amongst the most scenic surroundings I ever witnessed. Everything around me is so calm and beautiful. I am settled comfortably in the verandah of my new home on the outskirts of the city. It is not just this morning but also many others that I can’t seem to let go of these solitude moments. No, I’m not thinking about where my next paycheck will come from or not even of my to-buy list. Its not that Bill Gates has adopted me, but I believe that every worry has its time and such peaceful moments are certainly not one of those. This is the time to see the puppies play with a piece of cloth, to watch the sky colours and the patterns of the clouds, to spoil the feet in the soil below and walk barefoot in the green grass. The butterflies hovering over the flowers are a pleasant site, just as beautiful as the sparrows hurrying around at the start of the day.

Life is certainly beautiful, God.

Truly said, beauty lies in the eyes of the beholder. If I had rushed out of the house to catch some fast local train or a bus, worrying about the day ahead, I would have never noticed such calmness around me. Even though I do rush for the bus many a time, I stop in my tracks to appreciate the butterflies or the tender grass on the sideways. At that moment, I really do not care about losing my regular traffic. I know I have to give justice to the beauty that unfolds itself in front of my eyes. Then with a small smile at the corner of my lips and a song to match, I make my way ahead.

These moments energize a person to an extent that no fitness program can. This is the actual “natural healing”. And yes, Dr. God does not charge any session fees either.

Wanna take this “everlasting” offer?

Fly Away...

2005-07-01T20:01:00.000-07:00

“They say life is a cobweb and not an organization chart. Wish it were so. Wish the calculations of life were simpler and the results more predictable…”

These thoughts crossed my mind as I bid goodbye to a close friend of mine. A person on way to her divorce. Third case that I knew amongst my friends.

She has been married for the past 4 years, and has a kid. From day one of her marriage, she witnessed an odd behavioral pattern of her husband. She has succumbed to his physical violence, mental harassments, all in the hope that things would work out well some day or other.

Almost similar are the cases of the other two of my friends. All three of them have now decided to break out of these barricades of relationships that have broken them down. They have decided to live life fully, new with the fresh breath of freedom that it would bring along with. Whatever happened till now in each of their lives has caused them enough pain. There have been times with my male friend & one of the female friends to succumb to the pressures & attempt suicide. But they have somehow survived out of it till now, and as I believe, for a reason.

Earlier, as I came close to each of these individuals, I was taken aback at the fragility of a relationship. I wondered as what it took for a marriage survive. One day as I talked it over to another close friend of mine he commented that it was plain understanding that one needed. One need not carry on with a relation that was proving to be unhealthy to the individual. A relation should not pose as suffocation; it rather should give you the support and energy that one requires while traveling from the downs of life.

In cases when the patience and energy of a person does not prove sufficient to work up on the relationship, one should just let it go – for the betterment of self and the other person.

All these friends of mine had expressed similar views over their divorces – they felt they were given a chance to enjoy life anew, freshly, without any chains of dead relations to hold them down.

Change is inevitable, even in relationships. Hence one needs a maturity to understand the changes that are happening with the other person and adapt to them or rather be in pace with them.

Life is quite simple, it should be kept that way, he added. I mused over it, and concluded that it is rather foolish of us to expect our lives to remain, as they were, picturesque. Were it to be so, it would be an actual organization chart and not a roller coaster ride, with its highs & lows.

From the depths of my heart I wish my friends the best that life has to offer them. The tunnel of darkness has proved to be quite long for them; I wish them a bright & a sunny opening…

Oh those times...

2005-07-01T20:00:00.000-07:00

Was going through a real terrible patch in my life for the past four months or so. Was mostly in glum moods, tensed up by my problems. It was worsened by the fact that I could not share these with friends. Being an ever-smiling person always has its disadvantages. People just forget that you might have your blues too. Just two of my close friends knew what the problems were.

Anyways, in those days, a friend of mine suggested that I write down all my anxieties and fears that engulfed my mind. My writings had that “feel-good” factor, thought she. I should learn to face the bad times with my head up and write down in those times too, she added. I retorted back saying that it was not that I ran away from problems. I was just lazy enough not to work on them.

Most of the times when I am faced with a grim situation, I just keep it the way it is. Maybe it is my belief that tings work out, no matter what. Every problem has the seeds of a solution in it. Sounds stupid, I know. But trust me, it does not make sense to go on a world improvement crusade just like that. I mean, agreed, I work on it if it causes extreme pain or ache to self or someone close, but not beyond that. Maybe, it is my deeply ingrained belief that whatever happens, happens for a reason.

Anyways, I did take her advice seriously, and decided to jot down my thoughts, just for the sake that it might bring some pattern or direction to my thinking. But then, me being me, was so lazy even to grab a pen, that the time just slipped out of my hands. It has been this way numerous times. I have clouds of thoughts rolling around those grey cells in my head, but was sheer lazy to note them down.

Anyways, I am now doing perfectly fine (as always).

A thought…

2005-07-01T19:28:00.000-07:00

How easy it is for a person to enter your life...and just how difficult to leave....
A really close friend of mine recently proposed his love to me. I declined it simply because I did not feel the same towards him. We are real close friends, he is an amazing person, the complete "perfect-bachelor-boy-package" -understanding, humorous, charming, from a well-to-do-family, good looks, et al.

I DID think twice before replying and it occurred to me that the four-letter word meant a lot. I couldn't force myself to complete the picture of a perfect lovey-dovey couple . . . try as I might.

At the same time, I am witnessing my two close friends getting separated from their respective life-partners. It is a hard time for both of my friends. Out of those two friends, the female friend of mine was talking to me about signing the divorce papers. I pondered over it for the rest of the evening...

a "yes" and a sign over a paper.

"in" and "out"

is life really this simple???

Whatever Happens ...

2005-06-10T22:13:00.000-07:00

Feeling terrible today. The world doesn't seem a brighter place when watched from the deepest of your blues, I realize this today. Missing all those people whom I lost in my life on way till now. Just thinking about them makes me wonder what life would have been had they been still with me. My dad, for example. Would I be in this field of advertising, be able to carry on this frequent change of jobs, and now enter the fields of acting in theatre and modeling? Would I be able to leave home early and come back as late as 11 in the night? There would be several changes...life would just be totally different. That makes me realize that life takes its own course just like a smooth stream running down the brooks. You cannot turn it to any random direction you want just by placing a few stones in its path. My favorite adage proves right again: "Whatever happens, happens for a reason". But then, this realization comes a tad late for a person who's suffering the bad patch.

I once read a story about a man who went through the worst day of his life just to realize that all that happened to him was meant for his own better sake. On way to a holiday resort with his wife, his car crashed down in the middle of nowhere, witnessed an avalanche just a few miles ahead...everything that was indicative of a "bad-journey-day" happened to him.

He felt depressed and cursed God for not letting him enjoy the little pleasures of life like enjoying a vacation with his wife. Later, as he reached the resort, he learnt that it had been burnt down by a wild fire from the forest that engulfed it. He was told that he was indeed lucky to have reached there so late...he was saved from losing his and wife's lives in the fire. For a moment, he stood there stunned, not knowing what to say.

He realized in a flash that "Whatever Happened, Happened For A Reason".

It was just only when he was out of the bad patch, that he realized the importance of those events in his. Every event, good or bad is there in your life for a reason.

I guess, all those "bad spots" in my life too have a strong role to play...a fact that the i should keep in my mind no matter how scary the darkness of the "tunnels"...

The dark clouds

2005-02-11T00:42:00.000-08:00

Was on the bike yesterday evening, riding home with my friend.

Was in a very depressed mood, mainly because of the week’s stress and body pain.

As the bike rode through the highway, I took a peek at the sky above to notice if there were any rainy clouds up there that I need to be beware of (so as to borrow my friend’s windcheater)

I noticed the full moon, shinning beautifully. Within a minute it got covered by those dark grey clouds.

It was fascinating to watch the moon play hide and seek through the clouds.

No sooner did it get uncovered did another cloud enveloped it.
As if it was the moon was striving to pull through one of its “grey nights”, literally…

Amusement apart, it is indeed some sight to watch the white glory shine through, as one makes his way to home…

The dream…The grind…

2005-02-05T01:24:00.000-08:00

Take one:
I had been invited by a friend to write for his site. I merely forwarded my earlier stuff to him to edit and host. A few days later, one of my poems was published on site. He wrote back to me asking if I could write a review of a film or a book that I’ve come across. I am flabbergasted! This is the first time someone has ever “asked” me to write on something!

Take two:
I'm a member of a yahoo group called Creativegarh. I’ve posted a thought or two randomly on this group. They got me some really motivating reviews. The group members wrote to me asking about the terrible frequency of my writings. Just the other day, I was chatting with one of the prominent members of the groups, online the mentioned that another fellow of the group had been inspired to write poetry because of my articles. The person in topic was a real good poet, I knew. Hence, it was almost a shock to see that my ‘stuff’ could inspire anybody…

Take three:
I take a longing look at all those mails stocked in a folder in my mailbox.

Take four:
I call up my close friend to congratulate her on her planned wedding. As we discuss lives, she comments that I’ve shaped up my life well. I’ve achieved what I always wanted.

Take five:
In just nine months after I join the company, I get the achievement award for the best sales woman of the year by the company president.

Take six:
I keep promising friends and friends for a couple of months of giving them time. All those coffee outings, weekend plans, movies, eating out, attending weddings . . . are all on calendar, of the last few months. Everybody is royally ditched by me, every time.

Take seven:
This month is gonna be really, really busy one for me as I work from morning 9 to evening 7.

Take eight:
My boyfriend shuns me for not returning his calls on time. All personal calls are not attended to in my office hours by me, unless urgent. I keep promising of calling back friends, which I never do. My social life is in dumps.

Take nine:
Today morning I heard this beautiful song called “Chhoti si aasha” from a film called “Roja” while traveling. I’m reminded of my small dream of owning a small house in Konkan with fields and palm tress around, a small garden outside, two dogs, one cat, a good music systems, well stocked books, French windows with long flying curtains, earthen pots, a warm sunshine…

Take ten:
I realize that I’ve not been doing justice to my dreams passions, my soul. Solely dedicated to career, and enjoying it too, has brought my personal life to a grind of sorts.
I need to look around to breathe. I guess I have not been giving myself the pause on my way to observe the green grass.

I apologize to myself.

Friends are gonna get all those pending calls.

Zee English, Monday nights on Star World, late night movies on Star Movies and HBO…here I come, armed with the popcorn.

Mom, you are gonna hate me for those late night, long phone calls, once again.

My boyfriend better be prepared to see me acting like nuts on the road, and love me for it.

My PC keyboard would now sound like Adnan Sami’s piano keyboard.

Next Sunday is a date with mom for a Marathi play and a dinner out.

Better go and join that amazing book library near Thane station, it has a good collection of novels.
...
Time to change the wallpaper and the cell’s ring tone too.

Solitaire

2005-02-05T01:20:00.000-08:00

It was a full moon night.

The moon looked quite solemn but beautiful.

During my late evening walk; I couldn’t resist the temptation of looking at the sky after every other minute. Somehow, somewhere I felt a tinge of loneliness lingering in my heart, even though I had my near and dear ones around me that evening. Slowly, without me noticing it, a small teardrop made its way over my cheek. It was a moment of mixed feelings. In the deepest of my heart I was grieving all that I had lost in my life. At the same time I knew life was much more beautiful than I could ever appreciate.

The moon was all alone in the sky with no stars shinning along with. Still its loneliness looked beautiful and mind grasping to me. I realized the beauty in solitude and no longer felt the tinge of grief. I could feel myself reaching for my inner self and it was one of the most peaceful moments of my life.

It was a full moon night…and the moon continued to shine brightly.

All Aimed At

2005-02-05T01:18:00.000-08:00

In my early teenage years, I never gave a serious thought about my ambition in life. But now that I’m in my early 20s, the most critical deciding point of my life, I find myself charting out plans for my future life. Many a times, I stop mid-track in my thoughts and wish I had more than one chance at life.

Maybe it is the passion to live life to its fullest that makes me want to achieve so many goals in a short span. I want to be in so many places at the same time. To come to think of it, I would rather be a vet or a zoological researcher working in the wild jungles (thanks to Discovery channel), or an astronomer observing the planets, comets, galaxy, the black hole- the unknown forces and their effects on earth; or maybe a doctor working around the clock under tension saving lives and hearing the first cries of life. Then again I have a strong wish to be an advocate- the devil in the black coat who builds strategies to save or kill, and succeeds by a mere play of words; or a great singer who warms the hearts of many by her melodious voice; or a CID officer working up on all those murder mysteries- with warm wishes from Mr. Sherlock Holmes; or I want to be a… Well, the list could be endless. Gosh, how’s all that possible in one short life?
I see a cat now and I go green with envy!

Well, I know I cannot assure that I get human life again. So in this sweet little gift of life that I now have, I know that I have to be at my best…to be the one that I have the capability and the skill for- a copywriter.

I owe you a big thank you God, for giving me this precious chance.